Tuesday, August 5, 2014

The Gender Council

hey y'all. I am laying in bed today. Duck Dude assures me I am not dying.. but my sinus' are making me feel otherwise. So today, I'm choosing to use a draft that Man BFF sent me after he kind of got his feelings hurt when my bridesmaids got to write guest posts. He would be the closest thing I have to a bridesman.. So I am allowing it. Take it away Man BFF..

For those of you who don’t know me, I am Molliepocket’s (or Molz as I call her) Man BFF. After all of her future bridesmaids got to write an episode of her blog, I felt that it was only fair that I got to write one too so I have hijacked her blog for the day. Of all the topics I could talk about, ranging from the Rangers terrible baseball season to why Frozen is so much better than Tangled, I decided to talk about the most elementary of topics: Guys vs. Girls.

“Girls are from Venus and boys are from Mars.” I don’t think there has ever been a truer (solid English) statement. These two genders have passionately fought excessively over the years about really stupid stuff. I wish there was a forum where we could discuss our issues and come up with a solution…… and since I have control of Molz’s blog my dream is becoming a reality.

We will call this meeting the “Gender Council,” and both the guys and the girls will select one representative. Chuck Norris will be the chancellor of this council just in case the discussion gets too heated because he wouldn’t even need to beat a gavel for silence we would just know from his stare. I have been selected by the men and our first matter to be discussed will be wardrobe.

On behalf of all the guys: the highwaisted shorts/jeans need to be banned and burned. We honestly thought we had won the battle over the mom jeans years ago. After decades of begging and complaining we thought we had eradicated the high waisted denim movement like it was the small pox. Much to our dismay the Mom jeans started making a comeback the past couple of years (tears).

“That girl looks really good in those highwaisted jeans”….said no guy ever. I have talked to a lot of girls about this subject and every once in a while one will say, “My boyfriend/husband/fiancĂ©e says I look good in high waisted jeans.” There are really only two possible reasons why he would say this: a. he was lying and b. you look good in spite of those jeans. There is no reason for me to write anything more about point “a” because everyone lies so I will move on to point “b”. I am in no way saying that Carrie Underwood will magically turn into an Orc from Lord of the Rings if she wears mom jeans. She will still be hot but just not as hot as she would be if she didn’t wear them.

As I am sure everyone knows guys have various hotness scales to rate girls (i.e. the crazy-hott scale, area code, binary scale, etc.), the most common of which is the 1-10 scale. This scale is a highly sophisticated rating system in which a guys mind takes in all relevant quantitative and qualitative data to generate a number from 1(Uggo)-10(Smoke Show) based on the girls hotness and personality (Yes personality is included we aren’t pigs, we need her to like sports too). Although this rating system is a highly scientific process there are still multiple ways to adjust your rating for better or for worse but for this article we will focus on just the wardrobe aspect.

The following fashions are automatic -2 point adjustments:

1. Mom Jeans

2. Jumpsuits

3. Ugs with shorts/skirts

The following fashions are automatic +2 point adjustments:

1. White Pants

2. Red Dresses

3. Belly Button Rings-(This is my article so I’m allowed 1  semi-trashy one)

I am sure you are thinking, “what if I wore white high wasted Mom jeans would that be ok?” My only response would be, “you would look so much better if those were normal white pants.”

After reading the first part of this article you might be thinking that this is some kind of joke, but, believe me, this is a serious issue! If the girls refuse to extinguish this mom jeans fashion trend the guys are prepared to start bringing back the following fashion trends that girls hate:

I should have prefaced this section by saying that I am more than fine with all these fashion trends coming back because they are awesome. Cargo shorts are just practical. Girls make us hold all their stuff but want to take away the extra short pockets that we have!?!? That makes no sense.

2. Short Sleeve Dress Shirts

I live in the greatest country in America, Texas. The only problem with it is that it gets a little hot during the summer time. Nothing would make me happier than being able to wear a short sleeve dress shirt to work every day so I won’t be sweating more than a whore in church by the time I get into the office. Plus I could show off the guns.

3. Bleached Hair

Ok so yeah you called my bluff on this one. This fashion should never be brought back. No guy ever looked good with highlighted hair but yet every guy in middle school did it including yours truly. What were my parents thinking?!?!

I have presented my case before the Gender Council and am waiting for a response from the female contingent. Especially, if y’all can think of a better name for the Gender Council because the more I think about the name the lamer it sounds.

Thanks and Gig’em    
-Man BFF

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